Reluctance

It's funny how I have so much to say, but all of the words seem to be trapped inside. It's not even for lack of content - I have pages of blog ideas and half-written posts floating around in various Moleskines.

I think part of it is because I don't want to have to face all of these thoughts and feelings - sometimes it's nicer to simply pretend they don't exist. Part of me is worried of being overwhelmed by the negativity - like Atlas who had to shrug because of the weight of the world on his shoulders. And the biggest part of me just wants to move forward and simply put everything behind me, but I'm beginning to learn that the past tends to leach onto you and follow you around until you acknowledge its presence.

So I think it's high time I get over it. There are a lot of things I didn't even know I thought or felt until I wrote them down, so write I shall. Above all else, this blog is for me - to explore my thoughts, ideas and see where I end up. I just didn't bank on it being such a painful and difficult process.

I started the process already by writing a really long letter to the parentals and an aunt and uncle. I feel like things have reached a breaking point, and the next few weeks and months will be really pivotal. I cringe every time I think of the letter though, b/c I'm not so used to putting so much out there and feeling so vulnerable. I'm dreading the discussion about it that I'm supposed to have with a couple of them today.

Regardless of what happens with the letter, I hope to continue the process through blogging. And just say what I need to say and deal with what follows.

Something Has to Give

And you're like a paper aeroplane
That never seems to land
Flying blind through anything
Straight into the hand that chokes you
Each time you try to live

And the earth will turn below you
The pressure is building
And something has to give

I feel as if my life up to this point has been purely reactionary, in that it's only responded to and been affected by the various (mostly shitty) situations that have arisen; my life in and of itself, as an entity of its own, removed from these situations - doesn't exist. Or so it feels.

I feel as if I've lost my way, and because I was never on a true path to begin with, I don't even know where to begin finding everything for the first time.

I feel as if life has been full of objects, things, situations, anxiety - but has been lacking the things of substance, the intangible things that make a life with few material objects but full of personal experiences, strong relationships, and a comfortable identity a life fully worth cherishing.

I feel as if I don't make sense and I don't even know where to begin, or even worse, if there is no beginning and I simply have to create one. As they say, you can't forget the past. But what if your past is empty, a shell full of events and times and dates, but no meaning to it all? Like an egg with no yolk in its center, left with an inability to produce life.

I feel like interacting with people is the last thing I want to do, but I feel that whatever IT is that is weighing so heavily cannot be conquered in isolation.

I feel like I feel too much yet I don't mean anything. Or maybe it's that I don't know what anything means.

At least pain grips you tightly and makes you feel acutely alive. To be this numb, I believe, is far worse, because life without feeling is just [ ]. Emptiness.

I've finally learned that filling the emptiness with mere objects will not do, because objects are temporary. And I've learned that there's very little from what I now hope is my "old life" that I would like to keep. And so here is my big globe of Emptiness and I need deep, meaningful things to fill it with.

But what?

I just want a life rich with meaning and substance and relationships and passions and pursuits. I want something to look forward to. I want to feel as if I'm growing and progressing, but here I sit four and a half years after my senior year in high school and while the state of affairs in my universe seem different, they don't feel better.

College is supposed to be this hokey time for personal development and experimentation, but for me it's just been more of the same - court, school, work, "activism," rinse and repeat, almost literally. And I just the term activism loosely, but that post will soon come.

I know what I want - the numbness to go away - but it's been hard to motivate myself to bring change. And so I've been losing my way.

So I hope this is the first baby step. I have to try, even though I hate the thought as much as a 2 year old hates spinach. It doesn't even matter if I'm stepping in the right direction - any direction will do.

And so I breathe.

And so I step.

This will (hopefully) be quite a journey, though I can't promise the present level of bitchiness I'm feeling will dissipate soon.

So along for the ride comes Patience.

And off we go.