Reluctance

It's funny how I have so much to say, but all of the words seem to be trapped inside. It's not even for lack of content - I have pages of blog ideas and half-written posts floating around in various Moleskines.

I think part of it is because I don't want to have to face all of these thoughts and feelings - sometimes it's nicer to simply pretend they don't exist. Part of me is worried of being overwhelmed by the negativity - like Atlas who had to shrug because of the weight of the world on his shoulders. And the biggest part of me just wants to move forward and simply put everything behind me, but I'm beginning to learn that the past tends to leach onto you and follow you around until you acknowledge its presence.

So I think it's high time I get over it. There are a lot of things I didn't even know I thought or felt until I wrote them down, so write I shall. Above all else, this blog is for me - to explore my thoughts, ideas and see where I end up. I just didn't bank on it being such a painful and difficult process.

I started the process already by writing a really long letter to the parentals and an aunt and uncle. I feel like things have reached a breaking point, and the next few weeks and months will be really pivotal. I cringe every time I think of the letter though, b/c I'm not so used to putting so much out there and feeling so vulnerable. I'm dreading the discussion about it that I'm supposed to have with a couple of them today.

Regardless of what happens with the letter, I hope to continue the process through blogging. And just say what I need to say and deal with what follows.